Being Nemo For 20 Minutes

Yesterday, I had the privilege of being in a fishbowl...well, minus the water, the pebbles, the fake plants, and of course, the rest of the fishy population. I was the main fish attraction that day. It was my very first panel interview out of the six interviews I've had so far. I've heard of "horror" stories from Ms. Greekie about how confusing panel interviews go--the constant pelleting of questions from your panel, not being able to completely answer their questions because of overlapping and ending up looking like an idiot, not knowing exactly whom to look at if they weren't asking you questions yet and not being able to get a clear vibe from any them just because they were too many or that their vibe were just bouncing off one another and camouflaging one thing for the other. And there is the odd ratio of being 1: against how many that may sit in your panel. Bottom line, odds are always stacked up against the interviewee.

I guess I should be glad that none of those mentioned above happened yesterday. My panel, composed of four, 2 of which were the name partners, were kind enough to allow me to finish answering before launching off on another question, which weren't many actually. For the most part of the so called interview, I just sat there, feeling like I was on display for the 3 panel members who were sitting across from me (the other partner was on my right), listening on them discussing about whether they would expand in terms of office space so that they could decide whether they were going to hire associates. In fact, at the end of the "interview" they told me that that I shouldn't get my hopes too high up on their firm and should actively pursue my other application as they were very much undecided until they've come to a decision on whether they would obtain additional office space. They were, according to them, building up their active file on possible hirees that's why they were doing the interviews. I think if my screws weren't screwed on tight yesterday, I might have taken down notes from their meeting and handed them the minutes afterwards. You know, might as well make myself useful. But since I was there to make a good impression, which I couldn't tell if I did (since to my perception, I might be wrong, their attention weren't exactly on me) but do hope I did, I just sat in my chair, my back straight and alternated between looking at the four of them, giving each one equal attention so that no one would feel the least bit dejected.

The first real interview question (I don't consider the preliminaries or introductory questions as real interview questions cause they are required questions) the partner threw at me was what was my ranking in the batch. When I told him that I didn't get it, he then asked me what ranking was I in my class. I told him again that I didn't know. Personally, I have problems answering that kind of question(s) and with the whole ranking system/procedure or whatever you call it itself. I know its but automatic do (the system and the questioning about it) but to my way of thinking, its highly prejudicial for any interviewer to stereotype the interviewee into a certain category by just by his/her ranking. Does your ranking in your batch/class really enough to determine how well you will do in their workforce? I say it definitely does not and should not! Life has too many variables for one be sized up just on a single number. I'm sure those in the know haven't even begin to fathom the number that could sum up a person so why are these lawyers, who mostly are lawyers because they don't deal well with numbers in the first place, relying so much on numbers in making a decision on whether an applicant should be hired or not?

I may be sounding bitter cause I am. I not going to go finger pointing here cause I know if I do, I've got four pointing my way and rightly so. Aside from the fact that I didn't have any other ambition other than to become a lawyer, I went to law school because it was a challenge and a goal for me. I took it up because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do what I set my mind to. I didn't go there to find out if I was intellectually superior or inferior to anybody else there. I was there to give myself some good ol' mental masturbation. That "selfishness" is the reason why I didn't pay much attention with rankings and all that crap that comes along with it. Going through four years of law school in one of the country's best law schools is enough mental flagellation; I had enough lick wit of sense in me not to add anymore pressure on myself by competing with 177 other people just to get a good ranking. And that, I have to admit, is one of my greatest academic folly. Though I may not lay claim to being the sharpest tool in the shed, I can with pride say I am among those who are most eager, willing and determined to be sharpened further.

I am, again, back to waiting by the phone all day, hoping that it would ring with another call from any of the firms that I've applied to. I really do need to get hired soon. I feel that I'm starting to get dumb doing nothing that requires brain activity day in and day out. There is also that paranoid thought that's creeping up on me that length of time I remain unemployed is in inverse proportion to my chances of getting hired. Further, its going to get harder to explain my unemployed status without coming across as being unhire-able. Honestly, although I'm gaining much experience from the interviews I've had, I'm getting tired of just being interviewed. But what can I do, I'm not with the power of leverage here. I can only hope and follow up so much without irritating the firm's office manager and appearing as an eager-beaver.

*sigh*

Oh daddy Marlin, I do hope you find me soon!